Wow, Pearl Harbor and The Notebook are on. Its like the Im going to kill myself marathon.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
You woke up in the middle of the night and told me we won the sweepstakes, the penis sweepstakes.
Fell into a man hole last night. I've been bleeding since 11pm. Got kicked out of the bar for being bloody.
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
That's totally the Emoji for "just ran into some girl who knows I know she had an abortion"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Randomize
