they just came back. i guess "were gonna go get dinner" means "were gonna fuck for 5 minutes at the little league field"
Drinking bud light and eating rice cakes...this is the closest to getting in shape for spring break as its going to get.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
They tried. Someone started to yell beer shower but he spun around and punched them in the mouth before they even finished saying beer. He's a fast little drunk.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
I have nothing to lose. And a bunch of dick to gain.
Just escaped from the ER. Meet me at the bar in 20 minutes.
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
im gonna miss him. and by him, i mean his dick
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
Randomize
