I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
My roomate asked me why she found condoms in the pringles container. I don't know what to tell her
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.
I'm a wonderful, drunk angel of hydration and sometimes absinthe.
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Look outside and see if the septic tank explodes when I flush this.
She said her name is "Goose" and regardless of her being a lesbian, sometimes she just "needs a good dick"
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
there is puke in my bra ... again
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
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