I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.
the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl
Yeah but the gay hasidics turned out to actually just be real gay hasidics
I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
Lots of alcohol last night skiing this morning = me throwing up off chairlift
Did I fall on/off the boat yesterday? Cuz my right leg looks and feels like if it got hit by shrapnel.
Aaaaaaand, there's the title of my second book. "One Dick. Six Angles."
Well thank god i want six autographed copies
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
I don't fucking know. He perched his parrot on his dick. I left after that.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
Do it break your family into faction start a civil war
Randomize
