he just told me about his fetish for rubbing grape jelly on his penis.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
Saved a second guy who was crying/on the verge of wigging out. Just call me the drug whisperer.
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
I feel like captain Morgan put his peg leg up my ass
But the sex is so much better when he already has a girlfriend
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I just got out of the shower and I feel like I just washed off 10 lbs of bad decisions...
Randomize
