Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
My goal for this summer is to make enough extra money to be able to afford the ticket for water skiing naked.
The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.
I rarely go in there. Unless it's for mini cadbury eggs and whiskey.
I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
I have this rep as a wingman for a reason. I'm like a poon caddy. "You might want to use a 9 iron on this hole. "
Ims textiofg thsi woht my noes bcuz my hansd aer stli handcuffde to teh bedfrme. Help me
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Somehow I just turned an entire McDonald's bag upside down in my car and not a single fry fell out. The Lord really does work in mysterious ways.
All she said was "Do me by Friday."
There is no way entering a gas station bathroom memorializing an alien abduction in rural New Hampshire is a good idea.
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