she's leaving w me bro, I've been buying her mad shots. She's seen my apt. So locked down.
Is it wrong to scream your own name when about to bust?
Someone's playing Limp Bizkit out loud on the train. I think the decade reset it self.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back
Her shirt said pass joints, not judgement. You're surprised she stole your wallet after?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
The drunk people on this bus are singing Journey songs. This is the whitest thing I've ever experienced
Sorry I just took 4 pills about 20 minutes ago so I'm feeling like a claw machine like people tell me were I need to go and what to do and I'm just like yes sir so I get the teddy bear but I set it on fire and it's kinda black on one side and there might be smoke coming off it.
I think John will remember that birthday for a while. I'm still dying at the fact a stripper was hunting me down.
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
I tied him up for his boyfriend so he could get fisted... I'm the best roommate ever.
Wow. That's certainly more than I've ever done for a roommate.
I expected my Sunday morning walk of shame dressed as a sexy Dorothy would get some scorn, but nobody seems to even care
That’s because it’s 2020. The slutty costume walk of shame is a refreshing reminder of a time when wearing masks and catching communicable diseases was a right of passage, not everyday for the foreseeable future.
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