I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
in jail i did the beyonce ass shake for the police officers & called Sally from my collect phone in my cell & started singing "im in JAAAIL IM IN JAAAIL",
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.
I'll be there soon. I expect Advil and a bucket of kittens when I arrive.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
Don't come. It's not even a party it's a total sausage fest. Like 20 drunk dudes in a bedroom. We can still drink by ourselves though it'll be ok
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
He put oyster crackers in his ramen noodles. Is that a thing? Because holy shit I had never thought of it before and if it's not a thing he's my new stoner hero for discovering it.
He was literally going down on me and giving me a foot rub AT THE SAME TIME. What more can I ask for?
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.
What are you feeling right now?
Idk. I just flashed a porch 🤷🏼♀️
So not in the best place to do an emotional inventory
Randomize
