Got a toothbrush?
its raining. im dressed as yoda and im trick or treating alone. and i wonder why im still a virgin..
I lost of the blow last night. Found it later in my bag labeled Fairy Dust.
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...
I had to ask. I mean when you get a snap chat of a nipple you have to ask who's it is.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
You kept shouting about how you were the king of all bitches...and doors, for some reason.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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