I'm either going to be a Playboy Playmate or take over the world. Either way the world wins.
Why are handjobs necessary in class?
I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?
Yes and yes
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Am I really that high, or did I just spray febreeze outside ?
When he opened the car door the whole thing fell off. Even that can be forgiven via his monster cock.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
Also I've accepted I am not going to be a catch today. I look like a dead hooker and the remedial work is going to be patchy at best with the shakes I've got.
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
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