hook me up with the drugs dog keep up the good work
Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Next think I knew I was pretty much using his penis as a microphone... No more playing Eminem during hookups
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
Nope we are at the ER my brothers crazyass neighbor kinda stabbed him in the neck. He's gonna be fine.
Some guy is in my phone as Pat McAwesome.
She definitely peed in a bucket in their closet last night. We should warn them about that, right?
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
THEY HAVE BEEN GOING AT IT FOR 2 HOURS AND I HEAR THEM BANGING THIS IS BULLSHIT
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
He loves blowjobs.. were meant for each other.
Randomize
