i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
I'm in the line at the airport trying not to vomit on the person in front of me. Happy Tuesday.
He has a chalkboard tally in his bathroom of "Me vs. Toilet". He's losing.
I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?
Only if you say it like that.
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
There's gotta be a lawn gnome full ecstasy around here somewhere. And by golly I will find it
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Yes I slept with him, he was the only one not wearing a costume. Guys with costumes are just trying to impress you.
Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Cool. Some 22 year old kids gave me a ride home from the bar last night. In related news, I made out with a 22yr old last night. He was adorable
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
Settled one third of the tab. Am going back for sex. Love you, make friends
He was awful. Hubby's was apparently epic. I suck at swinging.
I'm so pissed theres no male strip clubs around where we are staying I looked extensively
Just googled myself and a bunch of boob shots of me came up. Apparently my phone automatically uploaded them to my google plus.
Please google me ASAP and ensure I corrected this...
Randomize