i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?
Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon
I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
I'm like an air traffic controller of women. It's a very similar job. Well spaced and gentle landings are good. When they meet, it's bad. Explosions bad. Dying screaming burning children bad.
Just caught myself checking an online porn site while in a strip club. Might have a problem.
I bought 10 disposable adhesive bras and duct tape. If Home Depot can't help my breasts defy gravity, nothing will...
LMAO
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I feel like ditching all logic and responsibility and get shit-faced before the week's over. Thoughts?
found a thong and $20 in my right pocket. it's going to be a good day
this strobe light makes my body turn on and off
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
Randomize
