Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
the Monday before Thanksgiving is not a Monday at all. Just Thursday in Monday suit.
Whatever you do to me, stop, I found yet another blonde hair in my asshole.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case
WTF.
Hahaha wear something that says i'm here to party but wont go farther then a handjob.
Pretty sure the nurse said at one point I was in full restraints because I tried surfing my stretcher
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
i just tried to use a string cheese as a light source
Jill you already won the game by finding a dude who will fuck you in flamingo knee socks. Theres no hope for the rest of us
He sat next to me, put his arm around me, yelled at his girlfriend that he was breaking up with her, and told me I'm his little pet for the night.
You called me last night and said you had a vision that a cat made you a sandwich. You were tripping way too hard
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
sitting in the prison waiting room in my boyfriends clothes. looooong story.
I made it out of the house. Success.
It's not better out here. I'm at Target hyperventilating in the aisles.
Randomize
