maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas
just took my ibuprofen with ramen broth, yay college
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.
Haha I'm surprised I didn't see you I was drunkenly buying $70 in merchandise including a vibrating cock ring at that cvs around that time
I have a weapon and I'm not blacked out. Good as gold
The bet was for naked jumping jacks. And it back fired, she just laughed at all the slapping noise.
This guy punched out a light, puked in the sink, stole the mailbox, then tried to tell ME that I had to leave the party... Then his dog shit on the floor.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I passed out and slept in my car. Now I feel like a hungover zoo animal. Look and laugh people, look and laugh.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Maybe you should stop dating for awhile if the chicks aren't working out. Reacquaint yourself with your hand or something.
I'm a delicate orchid of a man.
Blossoming into a fierce dragon.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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