It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
If I had a nickel for every time my parents threatened to stop paying tuition I would be a very rich man. Rich enough to pay my own tuition.
And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I think we should get high on adderall and nair each other again for New years.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I woke up with a pinecone in my hair. A full pine cone.
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
You can't say "my boobs are wonderful" and not expect my drunken subconscious to focus on wanting to see them. Btw-can I see them?
I got inside last night via doggy door
Went as "Party on, Wayne." And left as, "Partied out Wayne in a foot boot with new medical bills." Fuck Halloween...and vodka.
Randomize
