Then my mouth guard fell out of the hole, so that's how the dog poop got in my mouth.
of course. lets lasso hookers.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.
We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.
You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
I just discovered the Reese's pieces and sourdough bread sandwich. No signs of coming down.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
ill be home in an hour. Be in my bed ready for disappointment
Tomorrow is my favorite texting day of the year... It's where I send every guy I've had sex with this past year a text saying "happy not a Father's Day" and we laugh and I get so much dick it's wonderful.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
The first thing I did when I got to the apartment was masturbate on the couch
I turn into such a nice and loving person when I take Vicodin
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