You made me cry and you don't even care
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night
He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.
you decided to have a spaghetti fight but then you got greedy and decided to eat it all.
The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.
When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
And the cops are back. At least my pants are on this time
Can I tell you that I just incorporated the spice girls in my sexting and you not judge me
Do you think I need to report to HR that the intern and I had butt sex?
I might be offended if you don't bang me tomorrow. You know, for America.
I finally figured out how to tighten my bra straps and I feel like a god
Randomize
