Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I love how my cats smell like pot.
If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.
then he tried to tell me how many times he had seen Scott's dick. his estimate was about 180 times. he thought I didn't understand.
I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Heat not working dressed like an eskimo. A real one with a ski sock on my junk
in retrospect i think my mom tried to raise me gay
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Getting blackout drunk infront of my family was never on my bucket list, but now that I've done it I'm cool with it.
I aimed for bossy but it came out slutty
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