Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
If i could bang her from 80ft away, I would
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.
he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You will go out on a boat of flames filled with honor, sarcasm, and assholery, let me assure you.
Meanwhile she's getting her law degree and I'm dropping Cool Ranch Doritos down my bra because I'm laying down eating on the couch
All I remember is the bartender saying your sucking them down and waking up on the floor in my underwear
It's the kind of dick you travel across the country for
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
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