youve choked your chicken with your arm asleep and acted like it was some1 else right?
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
You're not pinnochio. Lying isn't going to make it bigger.
Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
I'm still pretty drunk right now, but when this hangover hits me, I'm going to be super pissed. It's a preemptive never drinking again.
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
She doesn't even know his real name...he just keeps calling himself Hans the Third
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
hey at least you are getting hit on, i spent all day researching cat sedatives
Honey you are a beautiful woman but I came over to eat your pizza and fuck your brother. And you're out of pizza.
Thinking and hoping ice cream is the answer to my problems
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize