I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Nope it's a specific set of cards not like a normal ace, queen king thing....kinda like UNO, but instead of yelling UNO you get shitfaced
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?
You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.
Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
You don't usually get feedback after a one night stand... But you hit it out of the park. I'm proud to call you a friend.
This is a crisis. I had a huge crush on him in seventh grade and now his girlfriend is due to have his child on my birthday. HIS CHILD CAN'T BE BORN ON MY BIRTHDAY.
It's less than a hour into 2020 and I already want to punch some people in the face
Randomize
