tequila makes me forget i have legs
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.
Soup is delicious
I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.
is that even a sentence?
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Do you think I could convince a doctor that my uterus is poisoning me? It wouldn't technically be a lie. It does more harm than good.
Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?
All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.
I would eat the Denny's grand slam special out of my new probation officers b hole
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
I've never wanted anyone to have herpes as I much as I want him to right now.
Pretty good. Thinking about getting day drunk and filling out job applications so I don't hate myself as much
I duct taped a bottle of vodka to the back of your closet while you were sleeping in case of emergencies. Go rip it off, it's going to be a long night.
Did I ever tell you what happened that night after he ran you over?
Randomize
