All I remember from last night is puking up a box of cheeze-its and the building catching on fire.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
There was a reason God said "Let there be titties" on the Fifth Day.
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
I yelled kanye while he was fucking me. It just felt right
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I want to tell everyone I've ever met about how he him picking me up and fucking me against the wall was the highlight of my life. Worst lesbian ever.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I feel like I'm in high school again. I'm completely sober and I just gave some guy a handjob to completion.
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
Interesting. All i can really say is humanoid shaped doritos bags melting very slowly
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
So here I am, sexting at work.
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