he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party
we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
One of us will probably end up wearing nothing but glow/ neon body paint and a pair of water wings...
And I am in no way ashamed to say that it will most likely be me. I'm hoping for it actually.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
I miss living with her. She was the only person who was a bigger train wreck than I am.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
he showed me his third nipple on the first date. I might have low to no standards, but my god.
Me and my girlfriend were watching porn together..... it got awkward cause I kept getting notifications from my family on Facebook
Drunk twilight is the only twilight
Randomize
