Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
So he ended up having sex with me, but it was so awkward. When it was over, he went to the bathroom, and he came back and asked, "are you on your period or something? there's blood on my dick..." and i said, "well it was supposed to start today, nice surprise...i am so embarrassed." and he said ,"it's better than you queefing." and as soon as he said that, i queef the hardest and loudest i ever had.
if I was a wizard from waverly place we wouldn't b having these problems
so he reminded me it was our 9 month anniversary and then said "we could've had a baby by now"
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I know I'm not a hook-up kind of chick but he is a firefighter & an EMS worker. I felt like maybe I'd be a good person if I let a good person inside of me
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