I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love
you know how you have to have just the right ratio of chips to sandwich? same goes for pubes.
I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Hey. I found $5 in quarters from one of those state quarter collection books. I'm using it for food tomorrow.
we were having sex and the sweat made her make up run... seriously laid there and watched her face just melt into ugly.
It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
I got arrested for "public intoxication". Fuckers threw me out of the bar into public... i mean shit they have thirsty Thursdays. And I get thrown out for self serve Sundays plus a citation.
So i think i'm going to frame my summons tickets and give them to dad as a christmas present...
You have a roommate and cry when you see my dick
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
He started tongueing his parfait and told "thats what I'd to your ass" in the middle of Starbucks. Of course i brought him home
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
On cleanup... i've counted 94 solo cups so far.. oh, and i found a miniature top hat in the microwave
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