Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
she took out her dip, threw up, and put it back in. it was like a scene from Nick and Nora's trip to the trailer park.
Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle
safety first
I hate girls that dress up to come to planned parenthood. I just want to be like we are all in the same boat here, we know your slutty. Its OK.
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
omg i hate the new neighbors. why cant a bitch just be hungover in peace on a wednesday morning.
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
He said he wanted to start giving out "sex souvenirs". I got a poster with a penguin on it.
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
Double dirt bag award winner tonight. He picked me up in his wife's car.
Fun. You missed it. Michael broke a door with his erection.
OMG LOOK AT THAT PIECE OF MAN
I haven’t trained for this.
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