Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
no matter how many times i close my eyes and hit ignore on my phone. i must remind myself shit i still have to see her at work
you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever
I did something last night that I shouldn't have, but I don't want to tell you because you'll probably just make it your fb status...
I see you've learned your lesson.
She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.
No, I think it was the night I threw up in her front yard. You're thinking of the time I threw up in her backyard.
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
I feel like after that many guys, all of the water in your body is just replaced with pure jizz, honestly.
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He's the only guy without a tacky accent I've seen in this southern dump in 6 months. Bangage was inevitable.
You're such a Yankee.
I can only get day drunk because of my medicine now, so... There's that
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I just googled, "what type of cured meat does my face taste like", and one of the top results was, "The Definitive Guide to Bacon." I couldn't make this up if I tried.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
Randomize
