i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.
i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Well this guy just went into a detailed lecture about how rinos are developing into unicorns.. It's gonna be a good night.
So the makeout sesh? Not so great. His stubble rubbed my face raw, he tried to push me towards auto-erotic asphyxiation, and he licked my forehead. Twice.
Randomize
