you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
using smirnoff bottles as a pillow actually isnt as uncomfortable as you would think
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
We found him wrapped up in a giant table umbrella in the bathroom.
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
"She's seriously grinding on him while whispering into his ear, 'take me to McDonald's.'"
MEG JUST LICKED A DRAIN PIPE. DAVE PUNCHED MATT IN THE THROAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN. I REPEAT. ALL BOUNDARIES ARE DOWN.
I'm soaking her vibrators in tabasco and wasabi paste. "furious" is an understatement
I think I just scared the sex out of my booty call. He saw me at the grocery store using one of those "future mother" parking spots right next to the handicap ones. He just made eye contact and drove off. I regret my laziness.
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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