I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
turns out Discover card thinks that if you spend $450 at four different liquor stores in one evening that the card "must have been stolen"
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.
I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell
the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.
doing a walk of shame covered in blue food coloring is only embarrassing if you make it embarrassing...actually no its embarrassing on all accounts
I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.
there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s
I'm going for high school drunk, you've got 15 minutes to get here.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
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