when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
welp wont be popping out a kid with a beret. frenchie is gone and the mother nature showed herself. bilingual kid can be erased from the bucket list
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.
How can I politely yet provocatively ask you for a cock shot?
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I was shitfaced. I filled my contact case WITH TANNING LOTION
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
I can say with absolute certainty the only time we ever had a civil conversation was when we agreed we both liked pizza.
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
I'm definitely not mad. My best friend is dating my drug dealer, it's impossible to be mad.
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
