So, I'm pretty sure I just jacked off and my gf 17 m/o son caught me. IDK how long he was standing in the crib, but he definately saw the grand finale.
I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer
Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox
You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.
Just found out Brianna Frost the Pornstar goes to my school. Makes that $35,000 tuition that more valuable.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
No, but I woke up here and my pockets are full of raisins. Like 6 different pockets.
When I say drunk I mean that in the process of filming a fratstar cooking show they threw a keg into the street where the police came to clean it up. now all they can say is "THE KEG GOT ARRESTED."
I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles
That's where the buck stops? Buying girlfriends online? THAT is where you draw the line?!
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Nothing says "happy birthday" like a negative pregnancy test
Dude, do you think he'd be pissed if he found out that I always reference him as my starter husband?
Randomize