I accidentally burped into my bong.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!
... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.
I got asked if I was pregnant as a pickup line
how do you play pong handcuffed?
She was about to leave with you until you started singing "You Hoes Ain't Loyal" in her face
I'm serious. I have boob tassles if this is an exchange thing.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
It finally happened my mom knowingly gave me money to buy drugs i knew this day would come\n
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I had to take on your role as drunk idiot....I have no idea how you do it so well and so regularly. That shit is exhausting.
My breath smells like dick and biscuits..
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