3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
whjeg hajt iyt
say what?
wanna hang out?
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too
BEER BONG IN THE STOCKROOM COME IN TO WORK TODAY
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So after taking my shirt off, he pulls my bra off like a hockey jersey. FUCKIN PRO. Guy knew what he wanted.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
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