How are you going to pay for strippers in Vegas when you were just begging for McDoubles?
i jus got home and totaly forgot i had nut all over the back of my shirt
..im mad u rememberd about that
My water bill is like twice the normal amount. I need a boyfriend.
Do I even want to know?
Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...
I'm eager to hear this explaination.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Based on your 5AM twitter activity I gather you found MORE FREE COKE??
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude, I woke up with wet dollar bills in my boxers where did you take me???
I'm not gonna ask the guy I've fucked like 3 times if he is insecure about his eyebrows.
People like you and me aren't meant to go this long without having sex
- I'm finally learning to be functional when I'm high. I feel like this is a milestone.
It's starting to get sad how I have this 'new beginning' feeling after every negative pregnancy test
Randomize
