you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
We were drunk having sex and I knocked over her bedside table/fish bowl and she jumped off to check if her fish was still alive but she made me pasta so it's cool
MY COWORKER IS ATTRACTIVE AND I DROPPED A SONIC THE HEDGEHOG JOKE IN CONVERSATION I FUCKED UP
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
