battery dying...get laid and text me after...or during...its whatever.
yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market
my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia
Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.
Like for real, is your junk ok? I have to look after my investments.
If I don't go to Australia I'm using that towards a new car. If I do I'll use it to buy a koala.
Last night at McDonalds, you lied across the counter, pulled up your shirt and yelled "BODY SHOTS"...
This is the third time my roommate and I have drunkenly hooked up. I'm starting to think she's not as straight as she says she is.
So, left this guys house wearing a #1 Grandpa shirt and I think this is the best sex score I've ever had.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Did you really just reference your penis in a pep talk? I think I may love you more now.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
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