I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Is my tampon string too long for this dress?
Mom is telling us about the time she drank her own breast milk. Help.
Apparently I kept telling the bartender that I was going to set the Guinness World Record.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure
I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Since when do my one night stands start sending you friend requests?
sorry about your sharpie. alex wanted to shave the left side of his body so he had me draw a line over him with a ruler
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