The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag
He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Probably TMI here but I just rubbed one out while listening to thunderstruck, almost ripped my dick off.
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
The three of us were sitting silently in my dining room at 4:30 am, half drunk, eating cold spaghetti and listining to death metal. I need a fucking cigarette.
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I totally just pulled my thong out of my purse at the grocery store. Oops.
I immediately woke up from my nap, made myself a screwdriver and got in the shower. I know it's spring break but I'm still questioning my life choices.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
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