My milkshake brings 85 to 90 percent of the boys to the yard
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
Since when does wearing a condom and going down on me make someone a gentlemen?
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
It's a gift. Kind of like morning wood in my brain.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
I had a great time except for the part where you called another guy, told him you were in a cab - not on a date - and that you'd meet him at a bar in 15 minutes. but besides that it was awesome. Next time capping you at two glasses of wine
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
I plan on just grabbing someone's dick if I have to. They will know what's up. Why else do you go to a bar alone on valentines day?
I want to be a supportive friend to her, but I also want to sleep with her ex now that he's single.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
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