Someone wrote that you're a whore in one of the bathroom stalls
I didn't know I was popular enough to be hated. This is awesome
Random question, how's your gag reflex these days
Can you tell me why I have pubes stuck in my teeth?
eating taco bell the same day as formal = probably a bad idea
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
I should never be allowed to dance around children at weddings. I think I just insured that a 4 year old will be a future teen mom.
Side note, i did some manscaping and now my farts sound way different
At least be KIND OF sobering up before you text me, I've told you before I don't speak vodka unless I've been drinking it with you.
PS WHY wasn't I drinking it with you? Dick.
There is a fake eye lash glued to one of my balls.
I gave him a hand job in the parking lot... now he thinks we're meant for each other...
Finding my pants in the morning should not make me this proud
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
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