would you object to me following you around all the time with a video camera and selling it to TV? Your life could make me millions.
We are so in love
so when's the next time you get to see your balls
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I want to be the sort of person he can respect in the morning once the drugs wear off.
i think the last part kind of negates the first part there
He ran into the surf holding up a cigarette yelling "let the Olympic games begin!" So no, no vodka left.
Just try not to have a boner when you're giving your best man speech, it will really kill the vibe
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
look, bitch. one day when everyone i care about deserts me for my severe moral depravity, you're going to be the only one i have.
i can't wait.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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