just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.
Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role
I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.
help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up
which one looks the most like her?
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face
I'm sorry, you're actually right. Ostrich racing happens, and they're ridden like a horse. Bewildered and distraught.
If they were bad they leave that night, if they were good they get a gold star, and if they were great they get invited back. Simple.
I went on an adventure and now we have more food.
Well, really we just have fire sauce and cookies. But they're edible.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
I'm watching Netflix with my cats and eating homemade bread. Everyone and everything can go and fuck itself.
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
Randomize
