there were no ball for pong so he bought cat toys..... they had bells in them
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
then she said she was half-a-virgin and that she would appreciate it if i would finish what her old booty call started
This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.
It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.
Most likely. calling 911 isnt usually something i do the first time i hang out w. someone, but hey. its a good story now.
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
Threw up in hyvee parking lot. Thanksgiving shopping complete.
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
No, this year you're all getting coupons for things like "no yelling because you had sex in my apartment" or "the last beer."
Randomize
