I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?
so apparently telling her she could shit easier and therefore lose weight faster wasn't the best arguement for getting anal.
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.
i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
Went outside and he was playing rock paper scissors with a cop over a drunk in public ticket.
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
I'm eating chocolate cake while this guy snaps me from the gym. Like I cant believe i actually considered getting rid of this cake. Have fun sweating ima eat this cake 👌
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
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