I fear hooking up with people who have white pillowcases because my guyliner always smears on it and i either have to A. sneak out in the night or B. wash it and see them again
Why can't we have signs that automatically flash on our foreheads that say not interested when gross ugly guys come around, like those glasses that get dark when the sun comes out?
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.
Ok, maybe I don't want to know what happened last night... But somehow I guess I moved the oven.
Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....
I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.
I think online classes were designed around the concept of day drinking.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
Its a first. Never been peed on in a line to concert. First time for everything.
She kept telling me it was a squirtgun.
I feel like you just railed me after that sext
Matt you can be anything you want to be. Including the awesome guy that brings pizza to a bunch of stoned and sorta drunk kids.
dont go in the freezer to fetch your weed. my vibrator may or may not be in there. not sayin, just sayin
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
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