I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
remember when jerking off was fun and not a neccesity
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
how drunk are you?
Several
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Chasing shots with airborne.. Gonna get rid of my sickness and my soberness.
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
Randomize
