Yeah i wasn't gonna go out but then i was like im not gonna get my dick wet stayin at home studying
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Just got home and found him passed out with his ass stuck in a Rubbermaid garbage can. He must have been like that for a few hours
You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I just crashed on my couch and have no intention of ever getting up again
I will be over with a bedpan and beer
This is the I'm sorry text for running around yelling don't shit on my rainbow, end up in the fetal position crying at 4 am in my car because someone shit on my rainbow
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
He showed up riding a bike blasting the ghostbusters theme song. His name was Lasercat. Im in love.
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
