Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm
You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.
Chicken salad taco, you know, when you're out of bread and crackers, and high.
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
You need a twittervention. You're better than this.
I'm only wearing socks and eating tuna, don't do this to me right now.
I'm sitting in Madison square park surrounded by children thanking god I took emergency contraception
What the hell happened to the sandwich meat I just bought?
After you smoked, you made 8 ham sandwiches.
Guess that explains the mysterious disappearance of the bread...
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
i feel like you should know pants are always optional
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