You stuck the head of a rubber chicken you found in her house up your ass and then started running around her living room. Naked.
Why do I always give away anal sex as birthday presents?
Shut up... one mans birthday cake is another mans sodomy my friend
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
currently pooping in a public restroom while drinking free beer. there has never been a finer line between awesome and depressing.
You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.
We're in the kiddy pool eating marshmellows and drinking wine out of a box. Please dress casual.
He just walked up to me in the kitchen, pulled out his penis and stuck it in my sweatpants pocket.
It was probably cold. Sweatpants pockets are notoriously warm.
Guy just came in wearing only shorts, on his hand was written - my name is ... Call ... And tell them where i am, thanx - in permanent marker, ordered his favorite dish, and left w/out touching it. It's snowing outside.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
Got a minor my first day of college from the bike police. I'm gonna like it here
I want morning sex. We can incorporate maple syrup into it somehow, it'll be fun
we need to find a way to be drinking champagne 24/7
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
You know that pill i snorted last night? Yeh, its just hitting me now..... At work
Randomize