she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list
that was after you ironed the burrito. didn't leave much cheese on the ironing board though
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
Also, as my manager i'm going to put you in charge of making sure i don't drown.
Totally forgot Mike has only one ball. Is it sad I'm excited to see it? Or shall I say the lack of it?
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
i almost got into an argument defending my life choices with a guinea pig eating chocolate cake at 4am
And you tried to get me to have sex with you in our Harry potter closet lol
I'm hung over and my mom made me go to church. I feel like such a sinner.
I need an aspirin and some dignity.
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