remember when you found twisted pleasure condoms in my parents bathroom? theyre gone.
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
She's more than welcome to come too, so long as she has gotten over that me being responsible for the death of her cat thing.
He leaned in to kiss me and I dodged him but i fell on the floor. I guess I never got up cuz I woke up on the floor and he was in his bed
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You said this was your mistake shot and then vomited on the tv. Never forget.
Oh my god if I have to go on fetlife to find a guy who will fuck me right around here, I'm going to scream.
Your dick is the only reason I have motivation to come back to school today
Randomize
