I woke up in a stranger's bathtub with a broken shower curtain as my blanket.
Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
First rule of pills: If you can't remember what it is, take half.
I was born with a shot glass in my hand
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
She cheated on me with the same state trooper that wrote me a ticket.
I guess now you have a way to keep your license when you bring that up in court.
Dude, you are the most awesome.
I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
I think he was trying to be romantic, but the candle he had lit was the kind you use to repel mosquitoes..
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