Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
just gave a homeless man a kiss in exchange for two handles
exact location. now.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.
Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...
I just found it. I hope it leads to food.
He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.
my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
If I showed up at your door with pizza and a bottle of tequila wearing nothing but chaps and a fireman helmet, would you send me away?
Oh my god I haven't had mozzarella sticks since I banged that Applebee's waiter
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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