3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts
Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.
Why Weren't you wearing pants?
because pants are for people with no imagination
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I just found out that order of 30 Beefy 5-Layers last weekend has achieved legendary status among the Taco Bell employees. Is there a Stoner Achievement for that?
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
I spent the whole ride asking the cabbie if people ever have sex back there, and if he wanted me to make that number one higher.
I woke up to Elf. I don't know which one of you put that in my DVD player when I passed out but I appreciate you.
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
I swear to god my spidey sense only tingles when someone’s about to die or you’re being a hoe.
Randomize
