I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.
he had a beard, sexy nerd glasses and kept referring to his penis as 'this dick' its like jesus was saving my perfect match for my prime
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
